Eva's Journal Entries
September
5, 2002
Hi
Everyone
Tomorrow
evening is Rosh Hashanah... literally the year's head. Wonder why it isn't
called the years heart? I have been happily painting today. When things are
running smoothly my mind drifts into mulling over mode.
So, rather appropriately, I was ruminating on the past year.
What have I learned? What
would I change? What do I keep? What do I throw away?
Well
all I can say is it has been full.
I
see clearly where I am choosing the dance of old patterning in defense of the
new. I see how I still hide behind the old, so I won't have the responsibility
of new action; defending with fears and "what-ifs".
Sometimes I act swiftly without understanding what hurts or scars that I
am still protecting... And as I see more, my voice becomes stronger; more my
own.
I
also am grateful for the many players who have chosen to walk with me as
teachers. I have learned so much from so many - my children, my two aiyu's, my
family, and my friends, lover, pets, and strangers. Thank you.
I
still hope to further and deepen my relationship with my own sister.
I still choose competition over completion... and this puzzles me.
As I deepen into this dance, I find I cover so much love with this
engagement. Energy so wasted. I harden and remove in order to avoid
(insecurity)... sometimes protecting oneself at times is necessary.
In this particular dance, however, the choice of disengagement serves
nothing but old hurts...
I
deepen more into the peace of my own being.
I accept my own small gifts. The
ones I bring as simply good enough. I
look to the world and am reflected in the coming sorrow of our lost innocence.
And I reach to all who have lost a dear one, wherever you are the world over,
and I offer my hand and a tear. We
still have much to learn from and about each other.
I
wonder what damage our need for security informed by fear causes? I am speaking
on many levels here: Politically, Economically, relationships, simple day to day
interactions. What new definitions
will we form about security if the foundations were different??
And
I also look toward sitting with joy, and the ability to play more! Even during 'work'. I'd like an attitude adjustment.
Allowing more ease...
So
I leave all with a simple thought.
Not
a new thought.
Actually
the Dali Lama's:
Perhaps
all we need is to be a bit Kinder to each other. (And our selves)
Simply
this.
Also
in the spirit of the new... if I have hurt or maligned any of you in any way...
please let me know... so we can begin new.
Kindness.
Curiosity. Joy. Love.
May
health be your doorpost and Healing always in your heart.
La
Shanah Tovah
Wishing
all a good year...
Blessings
August
8, 2002
This
morning I sent an e-mail letter to an organization canceling out of a trip to
Brazil. I have wanted to visit John
of God, an amazing energy healer for the past three years!! Time on the Earth plane was perfectly aligning.
I had/was committed to the trip, and then about 2 weeks ago I began
feeling queasy about the trip. Thought it might simply be prior trip anxiety.
One of those “life-changing who am I going to be when I return things
going through my body”... so I began checking further.
This was beginning to feel different.
Can't be travel, I thought, after all I've been jumping on airplanes an
average of every 6 weeks for the past two years (even after Sept. 11th)... what
is going on.
Wendy
Ashley a gifted mythic astrologer here in Maine also advised travel in September
was not advantageous. I never have
listened to astrological guidance before... hmmm.
I find it hard journeying on the more personal questions...my personality
and ego sometimes want run of the show, so I called on further Psychic Help and
journey partners, the exact same information came through. The exact same months aligned good months and not so good
months for my personal development concerning travel. Now I had a choice.
If I am asking for guidance, how do I choose to 'listen'/use the
information.
Integrity.
Struggled with this one. Went to
local shamans Evie and Allie whom I work with. At the level some of us begin
working; understanding bigger integrity 'listening' when spirit calls... this is
important. So I chose concealing
out of the trip.
I
share this story, as a personal struggle with spirit.
What have I learned? Before
I schedule an “epic trip” I will check differently.
Thought
I had... I will journey more than once. I will listen to guidance better.
I also will tell people up front that if I receive messages advising me
not to go at the last minute I will adhere the call.
This is a different way to live. I
have made a commitment to spirit. I honor this commitment.
This is the larger picture I now adopt. Is this always easy?
No. Is it the way I choose?
Yes!!
Hope summer continuous unfolding for all of you in a glorious manner.
Love
and Blessings
Eva
June 28, 2002
So summer is here! The glorious time we Mainers long
and wait for. Summer, simply a 'split second' here in the Northeast. Savoring
every moment; even finding pleasure in weeding the not too often tended gardens.
hmmm. My own personal journey calls me to quiet even more. Deepening and
responding to earth rhythms. The plants and I hope for a strong roots, and
hands in this clay earth does help to ground. So I take joy in the simple
day to day. Letting emotions rise and fall, and warding off the temptation
to needlessly fill space.
In fact looking toward dancing with emptiness, while the sun warms my skin.
Have fun all. Enjoy the summer light!!
Sending love,
Eva
May 29th, 2002
"Joy"
I was sitting with a friend looking at the possibility of building a loft space
above my studio.
Have felt the need lately to 'cave' pull all around me in. To simplify and
regroup. As we contemplated the project I felt this weight come over me... is
this really what I want. Can I 'cave' without actually building one...
Many many questions arose. My friend encouraged me to look at the whole
house, i.e. the whole picture... I'd save money, and not deal with the hassle of
living in construction mess. Every ounce of my body yells change!!! Move!!!
And I wonder if this is 'doing' as escape rather than 'doing' toward
furthering growth (old patterns are comfortable). Sitting still can
sometimes be very very hard. And defense is tricky and takes on many many
different faces.
Instead I came to realize I want to be in my studio. Live in my
studio...be with the creative self...'Cave' into the artistic/self... also I
came to realize it's time to weed out and clear in the studio as well. I
still might build a loft somewhere... the urgency is not the same... so we will
see!!
I have been escaping through motion. Physical motion, flying back and
forth between the East and West. I now settle in the East. So
the idea of being/staying put is both attractive and very frightening. I
will have to deal with what surrounds me and choose to either accept the things
I have surrounded myself with or choose to consciously say goodbye to what is no
longer necessary. I have also found that sitting and doing nothing, out of
fear of failure....saying I am being purposeful is also an escape. So now
I look for the balance between motion and stillness. I look not to 'fill' time
because I don't want to feel this or that. I also look for the courage to follow
through and create what spirit wants...
I notice my belly softens more and more as I let my fears and sadness rise to
the top and escape through sound, and movement. Sometimes while vacuuming
I now wale... letting the tears and anger come out... I dance with joy when
excited. Seeing I have held back passion to long.; I come to understand
when one part of ourselves is censored all parts follow suite.
Happy Spring Cleaning
Be well!
An interesting sight to check out
www.nvisible.com (the astrological
readings are very insightful)
love and light,
Eva
May 15th 2002
It's been awhile since I have entered a journal segment. Life has been full and interesting. I have had the pleasure and opportunity of living part time in the Pacific Northwest. I fell in love with a Canadian. So I chose creation of time and space; allowing for exploring relationship, love, and myself. I also finished a two year program in Core Shamanism with Evelyn Rysdeck and Allie Knowlton teachers in Maine. Explored Incan Shamanism in Peru last summer. And have been working my way through the Medicine Wheel with an organization called The 4 Winds. I will finish the East work of this training in Aug. My children are well. And the final divorce papers are signed...
It has been a full yr. I now sit quietly cleaning, puttering, ridding the house of extra curricular junk... and learning about being. Finding and silencing listening to what call of what would like to be created next. Being with my children and being with myself helps focus and clear the path along with the concrete activities of daily living. It seems that so many extraordinary changes are happening for all. The possibility toward growth at this time is awesome The potential of surrounding ourselves with what we truly need and want. Finding what matters most... seems what is on the foremost for many of us.
I will work toward creating workshops that will begin in 2003. More about this later.
For now I offer blessings and prayers. May all of us become the most we can become. Ever reaching and opening. May our hearts heal and open like big hands... able and willing; holding all of ourselves and therefore others. May we understand and heal our separateness so that when we come together we come to our oneness as whole human being... finding true joy.
Be well,
e
(06-29-00)
Summer finds us here at home. The girls and I are very busy with
summer things. Gardening, Friends, and Painting Porches (so they don't
crack in
the winter). Life is extraordinarily peaceful.
Oh yes there have been some upheavals. An animal made it into our 'safe'
shed somehow and killed our new brood of young chicks. They had all
finally received their adult pin feathers, and we were in the process of outdoor
pen building. That very night a raccoon, fisher or other animal feasted on
our chickens. We were all sad and have resolved until we can better provide a
'safe area' not to take on a poultry endeavor for awhile.
My work goes well. I will be starting a new body of paintings as soon as
the girls leave for camp. I will miss them and sorely need to get back to
work at the same time.
The show in Portland and Damarascotta went very well. And I will have new
work in each gallery throughout the summer. If you are
traveling in the area stop by and check it out.
Card sales are up. My Mom has become an agent for me in Texas. She is the
best rep. I have ever had. Go Mom.
Summer in Maine is glorious and short. So I tend to spend time with the kids
rather than focusing solely on art. This for me is the way it should be.
They will be little for only a short time. Be well everyone and keep in touch.
(01-07-00)
I (along with others) feel deeply there is a seeding of new insights.
Although we will never see the final fruits our growing
consciousness will bare, our importance is no less than that of any
beginning. Every part of a process is essential. We are an
extraordinarily ordinary part of the continuum. It is important at this staging (as
it has been in all other stagings maybe just not so deeply understood)
that we each accept the challenge of flowering into our unique fullness.
Thereby affecting the whole through our deliberate growth.
